My name is Mike and I came out of the proverbial closet yesterday. No, I am not gay. My lack of dance moves and fashion sense makes that bloody obvious. I have admitted to myself that I suffer from mental health problems. I am not OK yet I will still smile and crack a joke when we meet. I’m not posting this to elicit a response. Far from it, I’m doing this because it’s supposed to help by acknowledging my internal struggles.
I am not convinced by this approach. But I will give it a try in the hope that it mutes the cynical voices that plague my rambling subconscious thoughts. They are ever-present but they are at their peak during the early hours. My Nan referred to this as the hour of the Wolf. The time you think about the dark side of life. My inner dialogue serves to persecute me every minute of every day and every night. Not even sleep brings restful solitude. One night I will stop running and turn to face the beast that pursues me.
As I have mentioned the voices I have another admission. I only recently found out that other people have intrusive thoughts. Otherwise known as your internal voice of reason. Apparently everybody has them and they are quite normal. Like I said above I didn’t know this gem of information. So since I was a child II have hidden this guilty secret I didn’t want to end up like Randall P McMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.
I have tried self-medicating with alcohol. I’ve done this since I should have known better. At least since I was a teenager. These days the thin layer that separates funny Mike from Mike is a drunken dickhead is non-existent. I have therefore significantly reduced my alcohol intake.
Whilst I am in verbally flowing I’d like to make known a few other things. That is my eternal gratitude to my wife and soul mate Max. I am still madly in love with her. I am also very grateful to My Son, and my brother. They may not realise it but their phone calls always cheer me up.
My way forward from here is to communicate feelings on a more regular basis. And this is where my challenge begins and this My name is Mike post ends. For now anyway!