Dark Sucker Theory

SiliconHell Validates Dark Sucker Theory

Never heard of a Dark Sucker? Well, for years it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light. However, recent information from Silicon Hell has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light, they suck dark. Thus they should be called Dark Suckers!  

Basic Principles

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take, for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. For example the large devices on a football pitch have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

Limitations

As with all things, dark suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

Portability

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can’t handle all of the dark by themselves and must be aided by a dark storage unit. A common example of this is your everyday rechargeable battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. This is achieved by simply recharging the battery. At an atomic level, this removes the dark from the battery. This, in turn, returns the battery to full power.

Dark Has Mass

When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating darksucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. A more modern version of this is the discharging/recharging of a battery. I’m sure that many of you have noticed that batteries get warm when being used.

Dark Is Heavier Than Light

Imagine you are on a submarine looking out of the window. The deeper you descend the darker it gets. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the Ocean and the lighter light floats to the top.

The Speed of Dark

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a partially lluminated room in front of a closed, dark wardrobe, then slowly open the wardrobe door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the wardrobe. Therefore dark is much faster than the speed of light!

Electric Light Bulb
Dark Sucker

In conclusion

Dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a Siliconhell Dark Sucker!

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One thought on “Dark Sucker Theory

  • One of my favourite spoof theories 🙂

    Reply

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